Children and psychopaths have only one thing in common: they are good at getting what they want. Many of us can learn a thing or two from these creatures regardless of their temper tantrums and devious tricks. This does not mean that, like these things, we should feel that we have a right to get whatever we want; Many argue that culturally, lessons are urgently needed in giving, not taking.
But for some, the quest to live to the fullest is a constant source of stress and confusion. There are others who have no difficulty in pursuing what they want, but fail to do so effectively. People with a conflict avoidant personality are terrified to talk; They miss their own goals and often lose the respect of those around them. Controversy seekers seek suspense by relentlessly asserting their plans, even at their own expense. Optimists are more likely to persist in their efforts than pessimists who may reduce their chances of success from the start.
If it was uniformly advantageous for a person to be stubborn, shy, positive, or passive in pursuit of a single goal, then human evolution would have chosen only such traits. In fact, it takes all methods to move forward. Whether you’re complaining or trying to change the world, start by looking at the impact of your goal on someone or some other reason you’re going beyond yourself, i.e. don’t just think of yourself.
Complain to win, not to feel bad
No one likes a grouchy grumbler, and we have plenty of pejorative terms to prove it. According to Dr. Guy Winch, author of The Squeaky Wheel: Complaining the Right Way to Get Results, Improve Your Relationships, and Enhance Self-Esteem, if you You master the art of effective complaining, and you’ll get what you want while being very slight.
Complaining at the wrong times — when other people are the center of attention or are focused on issues larger than your own — can make you seem selfish and can prevent you from being heard. Excessive complaining about a single situation can compound into recurring anxious thoughts that trigger depression.
So the first step to effectively complaining is to decide if you really want a tangible outcome or if you just need emotional validation. The former calls for a complaint, while emotional validation is a catharsis. Ideally, your interlocutors should know this, too, since trying to “fix” a problem where someone else just wants to complain about it can cause an argument bigger and worse than the underlying annoyance.
According to Winch, if you decide you want to file a complaint, make a plan: first, decide exactly what you want to achieve (don’t let someone else choose an alternative to what you want), then find out who has the ability to provide what you want, and finally make sure of the best way to get that person to give you what you want. Although it all makes a lot of sense, in a moment of anger people often attack the first thing they see. Winch advises moving from the simplest complaint to the most severe when working on problem-solving skills.
when people receive a complaint, it is normal to become defensive. they may even return the same complaint to you or turn it on you, increasing your connection to your emotions. that’s why you need to be so nice, contrary to your instincts. “that’s the existential dilemma of complaining,” winch says. do you want to be right, or do you want to get a good result?”
one way to avoid a vicious defensive spiral is to work with what winch calls a “complaint sandwich.” the first slice of bread is the “opening”, the first thing you should write in a letter or tell someone, which prevents the person who is being subjected to complaints about feeling attacked. the sandwich’s “meat” is a specific complaint or request for compensation, and the lower bread slice is “digestion aid”, a positive phrase or gratitude for promoting the idea that you are a logical person worth helping.
After suffering for many months from the screeching noises from a construction site near his apartment, Wench handed a “complaint sandwich” to his landlord. He began by saying how much he loves the building and appreciates the great work the management company is doing. He then requested a rent cut to compensate for the impact on his productivity as a writer caused by the incessant noise. Finally, he added that he understood that the noise was in no way the landlord’s fault, but thought he would be concerned about the effect on the tenants. The result of this letter was a six-month rent reduction.
Find out what others want
Kevin Dutton, author of Split-Second Persuasion: The Ancient Art and New Science of Changing Minds, says, “I once attended a New Year’s Eve party, and the host’s adult son wanted A seven-year-old had to stay up late, his mother said, ‘You know what happens when you don’t go to bed on time. You get up late and you’re irritable,’ and the boy replied, ‘Well, you don’t want me to run It’s early morning around you when you’re lying in bed trying to recover from a headache, isn’t it?’ He framed his request in terms of her desires, at which point he was allowed to join the evening until midnight.
After analyzing dozens of successful cases of persuasion, Dutton came up with several key commandments, one of which is this wise kid’s tactic of aligning with the other person’s perceived self-interest. Let’s say you’re trying to entice someone to fund your new restaurant. Of course, you should have a viable business plan, but you need to think carefully about why the potential investor is interested beyond the obvious opportunity to make money. Is he a foodie who is frustrated with the quality of restaurants in your town? Then let him know that by supporting your restaurant, he will be a gourmet superhero, bringing high-quality ingredients and flavors to his townspeople. Is he a socialite who loves to entertain? Mention that your restaurant will be his place to hold sessions where he can impress his friends. Is he a lover of beauty? Tell him that investors are getting major roles in decorating and remodeling plans.
Inspiring someone else’s motives requires empathy; Think of the charismatic individual, or even these “psychopath” mask experts. Contrary to popular belief, psychopaths possess impressive empathic abilities: “They can read and measure other people’s feelings very well, but they do so without empathy.” Dutton calls this “cold” sympathy. Note to all: be strategic when thinking from someone else’s perspective; It makes you smart, not heartless. Trust, like empathy, includes both directions. “Often we don’t want to make demands because we’re embarrassed,” Dutton says. One way to build and display trust is to not attach it to the outcome of the request; This way you will be more confident when you do.
Find out what others need
If you want a loved one to give up destructive or unproductive habits, it is usually, in part, for your own good. But forcing that person to convert for you violates the law of psychological effect, even if only to avoid worrying about them: no one likes being dictated to them for their actions. According to Dr. Michael Bentalon, author of Instant Influence: How to Get Anyone to Do Anything-Fast: “If you honestly say to someone: ‘You don’t have to, it’s ‘Choose yours’, his resistance wears off and he begins to think of his own thought processes instead of your thought processes.”
pentalon encourages motivational interviews, an organized way to talk to people that makes them think about why they might change. dealing in creative ways where your plans and priorities overlap with the other is effective in many areas of persuasion. but when it comes to entrenched addictive behavior and self-sabotage, the motivation must already come from those who suffer from it — not from your spin on the subject — in order to survive and achieve what you want.
let’s say you insist on your sister stopping drinking for a long time. you may admit that you’ve pushed her a lot in the past and that you won’t do it anymore because it’s up to her if she wants to drink or not. then ask your sister, later, quietly why she wants to stop, and she’ll probably share some compelling reasons. then ask her how ready she is for change and what she imagines will be positive results. finally, ask what next step you will take if it changes. “the reasons she’s going to ask you may be the same reasons she gave her all the time, but because these words came out of her mouth, they’re much stronger,” pentalon says.
motivational interviews also solve simpler issues. a mother angry that her teenage son doesn’t wipe the bathtub after using it for a shower after taking part in football matches can say, “look, i’ve been turning a blind eye to it for months and it didn’t work. you’re 16 years old, it’s up to you whether you’re doing this or not.” at this point, pentlon warns that the child will look at his mother as if she were crazy. then the mother can go on: “i’d like to wipe the tub, but you don’t have to. but let me ask you, what would happen to you if you did?” he might say, “it’ll relieve me of your grumbling!” and he may also admit that he doesn’t like the place to be dirty. at this stage, the mother must stay away without comment; if you leave things hanging in the air, it makes people feel uncomfortable.”
you can use this technique on yourself too, for example, if you want to lose weight for the next reunion in a few months, ask yourself why you want to and keep writing until you find a reason to surprise you or maybe deeper than the obvious answer “i want to show well.” for example, you may find that you want to avoid the guilt at night that you experience after eating cakes more than you want to wear a particular dress. whatever your personal motivation, determining it will give you the energy to take the next step, because you want to, not because someone asked you to.
put a vision that exceeds anyone’s needs and desires
Steve Jobs, CEO and co-founder of Apple and Pixar, has been accused of expelling people in elevators, calling top designers and programmers stupid, and queering salespeople in front of their colleagues. As biographer Leander Kanye mentioned in Inside Steve’s Brain: “For Jobs, the realization that you have an IQ above 100 is a high authentication.” “Jobs is an extraordinary control freak, a perfectionist, an elite and a staff officer,” Kanye adds. In most testimonies, Jobs stands at the limit of insanity.”
Jobs achieved his long-term goal of successfully transforming Apple. Since it is in the self-interest of his employees to work for a thriving company, the same principle of persuading individuals on their own applies to the group. But to change the structure and trajectory of a complex organization, you must inevitably upset others along the way.
Jobs puts his outstanding personal qualities — perfectionism and obsessive nature — at the service of his goal as he invented the most innovative and user-friendly technology products for the masses. He also used his natural political intelligence to quickly judge people and get the most out of them. While Jobs is comfortable using his charm when negotiating or making offers, he remains cold and aloof at other times, creating an incentive for employees to please him as if he were a distant, strong father.
Some of these traits and tactics seem repulsive, yet Jobs and other “great pranksters” succeed in using them for two main reasons, as Dr. Roderick Kramer and Professor William B. Kimball is a professor of organizational behavior at Stanford University who has studied unsavory leaders who inspire loyalty and respect in others. The first reason is that they have talent and brains that outweigh their impatience and nervousness. For example, Kramer explains, Martha Stewart can be tough, “but she’s good at what she does. So even if it’s a little painful working for her, you feel like you’re learning from an expert teacher.”
The second reason for the success of these authoritarian leaders, Kramer found, is that they have a real passion and a compelling vision that goes beyond making money. Kanye noted that Jobs, for his part, claimed that he wanted to “ring a bell in the universe and make a difference. At every stage of his career, Steve Jobs has been inspiring employees, luring developers, and attracting customers with a high-end appeal. As Jobs knows programmers don’t work on Make software easy to use; they strive to change the world.” The secret, Kanye states, is that “it’s okay to be a bastard as long as you have a passion for what you do.”
Not everyone agrees that great talent justifies big temper tantrums. Says Ronald Reggio, and Henry R. Kravis, Professor of Leadership and Organizational Psychology at Claremont McKenna College: “You can do the job at any cost. But what are you left with if you turn people on and get what you want at their expense, you lose talented people?”
Reggio states that the ideal influencer is a “transformational leader” who brings out the best in his subordinates by developing their strengths and setting them to high standards, as well as being completely transparent about goals and strategies. Neither the kind-hearted nor the great bossy character has a key to persuasion. So if you find your technology facing a dilemma you can’t solve, take comfort in the “curse of the old world”, and you may get what you want.
Six persuasive rhyming words
Professor Robert Cialdini, Emeritus Professor of Psychology and Marketing at Arizona State University, identifies six key trends that are effective and exploitable depending on which side you take in the equation. Use these classic salesperson principles wisely, and beware of people who might use them on you:
Exchange: Take, for example, the free cake in the coffee shop. We believe that the customer and the consumer are king but our expectation of ourselves to give in return is a strong feeling and leads us to buy something.
Consistency and consistency: We like to see ourselves as steadfast souls with unshakable beliefs. For example, if you ask me to publicly declare my devotion to animal rights, I will likely donate money to People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) at a later time.
Social validation: Put aside big individual fantasies, we are more likely to do something if we see that many other people like us have done it too.
Loving: If you love someone, you are more likely to say “yes” to their request. If she is beautiful, you are more likely to agree.
Salad: Four out of five dentists recommend using a particular toothpaste to sell by exploiting the reassuring luster of authority. We listen to the doctors’ advice.
Scarcity: Anyone who has grabbed an overpriced plain T-shirt from someone else’s hand in a “one-day-only” price cut knows how compelling the limited-time and quantity offers can be.
